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July 23, 2008
I not so smarts. =(
To Ben, Jen, Phoebe, and Erin, I’m sorry =O I didn’t realize that comment moderation was on! It wasn’t suppose to be… *grumblegrumble* thank you for commenting to my tumblr like I had asked. You guys rock!
And thanks for the honesty. I was in one of my super depressive states for absolutely no reason, you know, as in differnt from my every day “normal” depression. Mehhh.
The image above is an ad, yeah. I’m changing KTL to that (Oh no… =P) So if you’re linking to KTL (meaning Phoebe) you gots to change it soon. (not yet though.) Woo.
I’m going to see the dark knight tomorrow, most likely. I think I’ll die on the spot if it turns out I cant. lol I’ve also got work tomorrow. Funn. =P
This was short. Comment if you want, though there’s no pressure =P
July 22, 2008
Growing Up is Very, Very Hard to do.
Warning: Rant ahead.
I’ve been thinking. I’m immature. I’m depressed. I’m socially uncomfortable, stand-offish, naturally harsh, brutally honest, apathetic, and yes, even ignorant. I need to grow up, fix my life, and do better things. I’m opinionated… definitely. But I don’t want to turn into a huge hypocrite. I can’t keep living like this. Sometimes I think things that I shouldn’t be thinking. I have a problem that I need to get fixed.
A month ago I went to a psychiatrist for some tests. He hasn’t gotten back to me… He said it would only take two weeks at most. Sometimes I’m so paranoid that I start thinking my mother is hiding the results from me. Sometimes I think that I have something seriously wrong… schizophrenic kind of wrong. I’m also very obsessive about some things… mainly “love.” But now I’m starting to doubt it’s existence.
If I wasn’t so disgusting looking maybe I’d feel better. Not my face - let’s face it, modest isn’t needed when it comes to how I look in a mugshot. That’s just plain good looking, and everyone knows it =D - but how I’m like 25 lbs bigger then I should be. 150 is average for my height, but I also don’t have any muscle, it’s all pure stomach. The way I look, no wonder no one loves me.
But I can’t… I need those tests, now! I have no motivation, and no matter what the literal voice in my head is telling me that It’s all pointless, that I’m going to die soon anyways, that I shouldn’t bother trying to exercise or eat better - I need more protein, since I’m a vegetarian, I need to be eating more nuts and things.
I positively hate myself. But don’t worry, my to-do list doesn’t have suicide written anywhere, much to your dismay, I’m sure. There’s to many things waiting for me in hell that I’m not ready to face.
