Growing Up is Very, Very Hard to do.

Warning: Rant ahead.

I’ve been thinking. I’m immature. I’m depressed. I’m socially uncomfortable, stand-offish, naturally harsh, brutally honest, apathetic, and yes, even ignorant. I need to grow up, fix my life, and do better things. I’m opinionated… definitely. But I don’t want to turn into a huge hypocrite. I can’t keep living like this. Sometimes I think things that I shouldn’t be thinking. I have a problem that I need to get fixed.

A month ago I went to a psychiatrist for some tests. He hasn’t gotten back to me… He said it would only take two weeks at most. Sometimes I’m so paranoid that I start thinking my mother is hiding the results from me. Sometimes I think that I have something seriously wrong… schizophrenic kind of wrong. I’m also very obsessive about some things… mainly “love.” But now I’m starting to doubt it’s existence.

If I wasn’t so disgusting looking maybe I’d feel better. Not my face - let’s face it, modest isn’t needed when it comes to how I look in a mugshot. That’s just plain good looking, and everyone knows it =D - but how I’m like 25 lbs bigger then I should be. 150 is average for my height, but I also don’t have any muscle, it’s all pure stomach. The way I look, no wonder no one loves me.

But I can’t… I need those tests, now! I have no motivation, and no matter what the literal voice in my head is telling me that It’s all pointless, that I’m going to die soon anyways, that I shouldn’t bother trying to exercise or eat better - I need more protein, since I’m a vegetarian, I need to be eating more nuts and things.

I positively hate myself. But don’t worry, my to-do list doesn’t have suicide written anywhere, much to your dismay, I’m sure. There’s to many things waiting for me in hell that I’m not ready to face.